Day 12. On winter depression.

There's a bunch of stories that we tell ourselves in the city. Stories we would like to believe are not true, but we go by them anyway.

  • Feeling down? It's the winter darkness. Just take vitamin D and work out more.
  • Darkness still getting you down? You need to fly to Thailand.
  • Got depression? Take anti-depression pills.
  • Sleepy all the time? It's your diet.
  • Bored at work? Yeah everybody is, you've just got to stick with it. Give it another year.
  • Get agitated quickly? Maybe you should see a shrink?
  • Life is empty of joy? Yeah no wonder - your car's old, your clothes are tired, your home is not pretty enough. Go get new stuff!

We've got a solution for everything. Yet none of these have lasting effects.

Sometimes we hunch what the real problem may be. That perhaps I'm just not doing what I actually want with my life? Maybe instead of the alarm clock I should wake up when I feel like and everything would be ok? It's possible that all it is is the constant stress of trying to get somewhere that's the real problem?

But these thoughts fall short. Most people are in the city - they can't all be wrong? Besides all the work opportunities are here. If I want to get anywhere in life, I need to be here.

I've stepped out and while my experience is short it seems that there is no such thing as winter depression here if you turn out the lights sooner. Less screen and more outside means loads of sunlight, even in "bad" weather. There is in fact a natural sleep cycle and it feels great.

Sleepiness has been one of my main gripes for years. Now it's gone. Work has always been boring and I can't stay focused. Fixed! "I'm unhappy by nature" I told myself. Now I'm just happy. And it's not thanks to grinding away in the city. It's thanks to having time for myself and room to think.

I'm here to tell you that you don't need to accomplish big things to feel great in this life. You need time for yourself, time for nature. Freedom to just hang out or work in the garden. Freedom to think for yourself in your own tempo.

There are lots of people in the countryside. You probably have a few friends there. You have the opportunity to be free. Also come visit me at least for the weekend in Viljandimaa - my number is 56355555. See peaks vist ├╝ldse eesti keeles olema? :D

Maybe given enough time I'll reconsider. Perhaps I feel better because of the excitement of a new life? Then again maybe feeling so great in a long while is actually strong proof? All I know is what I call "home" no longer where my stuff is (in this apartment I still need to move out of), but where my heart is. Where I feel alive. This patch of land in the forest with this wonderful family I'm with.