Half a year at my job this last month has been an emotional ride, which took me by surprise. Through confrontation of my own fears and wanting to advance into more fields I've found that being an employee is still very hard for me. Just doing what needs to be done is obviously how the company advances - and it's what I find so hard.
Funny, once the conversations had settles and what ever needed to be decided was decided (what I was aiming for) indifference settled.
I know I love doing work and I know this project is awesome. I've still got some gripes, but no major ones. Now I just feel like I'm unable to fix myself (instead of the company). It's not an unfamiliar feeling. I've usually connected this with my entrepreneurial mind. Now that I'm kind of tired of entrepreneurship and would actually like a steady job - comes in reality. Entrepreneurship isn't a fun thing I like to do, it's my lifeline. Kind of like drugs - don't really want to use them but have no other choice. I've tried meditations and sometimes consider going on the happy pill.
Fortunately it seems I'm not alone. Simon Sinek talks about this stuff as being something millennials do. He's talking from a bit of a different culture context and I've never though beanie bags and free food are what's going to fix me, but "making an impact" sure is and not feeling fulfilled at the job is too.
What's worse is I don't think a small company should really spend their resources on a guy like me. I don't mean in a self-pity way, I mean if there's a team of 10 people and one of the people keeps taking up a lot of energy, but not really contributing all that much - well then that is called a leech. I'm not like this on purpose, but the fact is many people could do my job with a lot less hassle.
In any case. Seeing how hard it is for me I'm still going to have to try build my own one-man business. Perhaps eventually I will succeed. I hope to figure myself out at my job, but seeing how my moods change it's not likely I'll get fixed.
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