Fear is where I learn, fear is where I burn

I'm scared of stuff all the time. Right now I'm scared about the exam I'm gicing will flunk. As in either it's too easy, too hard or the server isn't going to handle itself. Whatever.

Often I make decisions based on what frightens me. Usually we are fearful of the unknown and that's exactly where most of the learning happens, so if I'm not sure what direction to take, I'm going to go face to face with whatever I'm most afraid of. It's a good discipline.

Today however I'm consciously making the decision to step away from fear. After this exam is over I intend to quit teaching at the uni. The reason is that while I've been tackling this fear of presenting, teaching and pretending to be an authority successfully for 3 years, I feel the fear isn't going away and the constant stress is just wearing me down.

It would get easier next year. But my persistent need to create a perfect course is driving me insane. I've moved on. New projects have come. This one just wont subside. I'd love to continue, but this is the point where decisions have to be made and I'm abandoning something I've been working hard at for years.

Choosing your direction based on where you can learn the most if great. Being in a rat race consisting of fear just damages you.